Happy Ever After- Thuku Muthui

The piece I had in mind for this Monday was a painful story. We all associate passionately with pain, not because pain hurts but because it lives next door to happiness. Visit the Labour Ward to see how the two neighbours exist in perfect harmony. Pain invites happiness. Happiness kills the pain and takes its place.


The pain I write about however is unending trouble. A sad story without a happy ending. The type of stories you read while flipping papers expecting something good to show. You are only happy that ordeal ended and it was just another story.


The children in my story were orphaned- AIDS took away their mother leaving them with no aid. They moved in with their father who had married a younger wife. In that tale, the stepmother is neither chocked to death by a thorny fish nor do the children go to college but that story can be told another day and on a gloomy occasion. Today we are all happy because girls will finally accept our marriage proposals. The Prince Charming is now taken, so all the girls who were waiting for him…riding on a white stallion should stop dreaming and accept the next suitor who comes calling.


The Duke of Sussex is a happily married man, and Meghan is one lucky girl. Who would have thought that the purity of the Royal Family would be broken?


Bad things strike when least expected; including love. Those who watched the wedding on television can attest that the queen was not a happy woman. She may have seen a lot of ugly things on earth but this had gone south way too fast. Wakanda had finally come into royalty, and the flame-haired one was the orchestrator. This wedding was not different from other weddings according to my checklist below:


  1. It was a staged performance.

Everybody was happy and smiling. The case of all weddings. All black people invited seemed happy for Meghan and for the future this marriage had started; that black was as acceptable as white. The ‘black-people’ smiles were hiding envy, unsaid doubts and vengeance. You could see it when they nodded at each other. It’s time. Kill the lights. The mother-in-law played her role well; some tears and silent smiles.


  1. Everybody is invited but not everyone is welcome.

It is only good manners to send wedding cards to all your relatives. Including the ones from the village who will come in lorry buses, green bananas and every bit of backwardness. There is only one way to keep them out- make it free but expensive.


First, make sure that the venue is far from the bus stop and one can only own or charter a car to get there. Secondly, include a stringent security system with no food from outside allowed to keep off the bananas which qualify as food. Thirdly, have a dress code that is too hard to crack.




  1. Remember to smile when the Cameraman is around and to gossip when he leaves.

It is always advisable to look great at weddings; dress well and smile a lot. It is also healthy to gossip at weddings. “I don’t think this is real. Look at how uneasy they are with each other. She is older than him. This will not last. She married for the money. I don’t think she is the best girl for him. He should have gone for Nani. You mean there is a possibility she can be queen.”


“She can’t be queen?”




“Elizabeth II can’t die, can she?”


“Who knows?”


Then you smile for the camera. The snap will come in handy five years from now when you are trying to explain to Meghan that her big day was by far the best of the royal weddings and indeed you were very happy for her. I wonder how Victoria Beckham is holding it up after photos of her in a straight face went viral.


It would have been my joy to attend the customary wedding for the royal couple hailed from my community. The day began early because a journey to the Athonis is punctuated by lots of contingencies.  First, the queen refused to board the bus, say a Tulaga.


“My grandson, who I looked after when his mother perished,” she said, pointing to her bosom,” cannot marry that girl from Murimo.”


“Please mom, things have changed. It’s the 21st century. We have Trump as President and China too. This might be the best decision…,” Prince Charles, now called Wa Wiriamu, vouched for his son.


“Enough! Who are you to lecture me? I will go, but heaven has a record of this should a misfortune befall this family, I am not to blame. Did I not warn you in ‘96 about the kind of life Diana had taken?” …and the Queen Mother sulked all the way.


“Can’t this bus travel any faster? Is it only me or my eyes are failing me, I can’t see us arrive safely. Turn down the music for God’s sake I am a century years old. Do you want to ruin my eardrums?” She cried.


“No mom, you are 92 years old.” Prince Charles corrected.


“92 or a 100, they are all the same. Nobody cares about what you say when you get old. All you can do is to disrespect me,” the Queen cooed.


The Queen grinned as the bus made it through the streets of Compton. These people have no class. Children in hooded jumpers ran about everywhere like rats. The adults were not properly schooled and wandered about aimlessly. The women in the bus were singing, praising the son of Diana for making a giant step. The Queen remained quiet, observing, sulking and pouting.


The homestretch was marked by beeping horns, song and cheer from the groom’s team. The women alighted from the buses and made their way towards the home on foot. The Queen, totally disgusted sat still and fanned herself with a small booklet. Her people had stooped so low that nobody could save them. The gates finally opened after an eternity, the in-laws welcomed them with hugs and kisses. A whole hour was wasted on pleasantries, the longest hour in the history of hours the Queen had lived. The negotiations began. She said nothing besides tapping gently on her walking stick.


“Any word from the grandmother.” The Master of Ceremony invited. The queen took her time, scrutinizing the people gathered before drawing the microphone to her mouth. She was a pale shade of white and wore a flustered look on her face.


“We better get done with the wedding soon. My team is ready therefore there is no reason for wasting more time.”


She swept another look at the crowd before handing back the microphone and shuffled back to her seat. No other word about the couple was heard from the queen until the morning of the wedding.


“Come here Prince,” she summoned for Charles.


“I am here mother, speak.” Prince Charles replied hesitantly.


“The day Princess Diana died I wept a lot,” Queen Elizabeth said.


“Yes, you did mother.”


“I prayed not to experience such a disaster in my life. I hope this is not a lurking one.”


“I hope so too mother. I am equally worried should she become queen.”


“Long live the queen,” She said with a grin on her wrinkled face.




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