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The First Day A Man Shall Hit Me- Zuri

He will lie

He will tell you that he never meant to hurt you, but what did he think you would feel exactly when his palm pressed against your cheek a little too hard?

Don’t stay, run.

 

I know. You are probably thinking that it will get better, or that you’re the one that gets to save him, at the expense of your own self worth and sanity.

Save yourself. You were not made to fix him..

 

The first time he will ever hurt me is in his bedroom. I’ll have threatened to leave and he will have none of it. If he can’t have me then nobody will. He will attempt to kill me on this night, with his palms wrapped around my neck. As he is strangling me, I will stare at him in disbelief thinking he will snap out of it. But he won’t.  I have to be smart. So I will fake an asthma attack for him to let go. I will still leave him on that night….

 

14 days later, I will go back.

When I go back, it will feel like the first few months of our relationship.  What people call the honeymoon -phase.

But only for a while.

 

It will start again. And the next time he hits me, he will be shocked that he did. And he will start to cry. So will I, because deep down, I know I deserve better.

I will still stay though because I love him.

But that’s not the only reason I will stay.

I will stay because my friends are now his friends.

Our Facebook posts have “relationship goals” as comments.

And then I will think of my mother, and  how much she loves him. Or  how much it will hurt her to know that I am in this thing that she thinks is so beautiful.

 

So I will say nothing.

I  don’t even tell a friend because I know they’ll tell me to leave…. and deep down, I don’t want to leave him;

because he needs fixing  and I’m his fixer. I am!

I will then start coming up with excuses for not going to work because my body hurts from how bad he bruised me last night.

At this point, he knows he has me and no matter what, I will stay.

 

And then I will start being afraid of him because I remember that last week he almost beat me up in the city center. And he doesn’t mind grabbing me in town.

In fact,  one day in the shower, I’ll remember how he shoved me so hard in  town and I will remember the face of the total stranger who saw me and attempted to save me but I  pretended that everything was okay.

And I will crumble; crumble because I will then realize that this is not the life that I should be living. This is not the man I fell in love with.

 

It will break my heart that none of my loved ones can sense my suffering.

Two and a half years later, he will punch me in my  face,  in front of my friends,  and everyone will finally see my bottled  up pain.  And I will finally walk away because my shame has become public knowledge.

 

And then I will find the strength to leave and love myself

 

It’s been 4 years now, and I’m still fixing me

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